icy_queenlynn

ANSWERS!

2008-09-02T15:13:19Z

This is to answer the follow passage of someone posted about me~

QUOTE "I have always keep to the outings that you guys have arranged, it is only that Riverside dinner that I didnt keep to my promise but that is only for the horror night,

1. you guys keep saying you have expected etc but why keep saying if you dun mind?

2. And if you mind, then I would like to ask am I the only one?

3. Why is there such unhappiness only targetted at me?

4. As compared to the number of occasions you didnt turn up, am I really too much?

You yourself wrote openly that sometimes you agree to certain outing but last minute if you dun feel like it, you wun go, I understand and I accepted but when I dun go, it seem like I am commiting some very serious sin.

5. If you want to use the reason that you are upset, then have you forgotten how upset I was during the countdown last year too?

6. Did you or did you not join us after promising?

7. You said its an unspoken protocol that we should not ask people outside the group?

8. In that case, did you or did you not insist to bring your ex to John's housewarming?

9. Did you say that if you cun bring him then you dun want to go? So why so double standard?

10. Why you guys can bring partners but I cun bring my best friend when I am single?

11. And if you want to talk to me about usual group, where is John Ho?

12. And where are you when OUR group are clubbing in Why Not and having our first X'mas party in John's house?

13. You said John is overbearing but no matter what, he did give me a reason when he dun want me to bring someone along, what about you?

14. Or did Rudi ever offend you that I am unaware of?

15. Lastly, how many times did you go temple a month?

16. Arent you also a devoted believer of your religion?

17. What right do you have to criticise or judge me for not going to church?

18. Do you make mistakes?

19. And when you did, did your God teach you to do it?

20. Eg. talking behind one's back?

21. Creating unhappiness between friends?" UNQUOTE

Questions 1-21: "I am exercising my right of not wanting to reply, though I just did" *see below*

Answer

I say I expected it. Did I say I don’t mind?
Because we thought we can catch up with each other about what’s been missing.
Because we want to spend some time with you. Wanting to know about you beside what you have portrayed in your blog.
Number of times I didn’t turn up of course cannot compare lah~ but seriously, as if my presence matter to you. HAHA! Whether I’m around or not, you probably won’t care lor! HAHA!
During that countdown I’m having some crisis back in office which I THOUGHT you are aware and perhaps in all your happiness you forget to include that or only remember people who has victimized you. That’s ok~ but I have witnesses to prove that as much as I want to happily countdown with Cheryl, I’m stuck in office with my beloved computer and system.
Of course I did not join the countdown lah~ I was in office till morning the next day~ Yup! Accepted! Promise broken!
Not really an unspoken protocol ba~ *think hard* But at least warn us in advance ba~ By the way hor~~ in case you forget. You told me only Rudy, Clement and Vincent coming. At least you can do hor, is to msg one of us to tell us one more person is joining so that I can prepare enough seatings rather than last minute arrange it. That I'm pissed with you.
I insisted to bring my ex. Because he's my only friend whom I can talk with when I'm left out. I'm sure this is the reason that you bring rudi. That's fine. But you know very well that this group will never leave you out. But that group in John Ho's housewarming, only Cheryl I can be certain wont leave me out. In case she late or anything, I still have my ex mah. In case you forget again, that time you are still gaga over John Ho.
As stated above.
Of course you can bring anyone you like lah~ just that give us ample notice and not when everything like more or less confirm liao then say I wanna bring someone. Like in John Ho's case, I already make it clear from start that I'm bringing someone.
John Ho used to be our group until many issues happen between him and me, Cheryl and Grace and not forgetting YOU! J
Errr.. for that one hor… sometimes I’m being invited~~ sometimes I’m not wor~~~ sometimes I stuck in office~~~ sometimes I’m just sad~~~ when I do not turn up for all these, I did tell people of my reason~ perhaps I just never tell you lor~~ sheesh~ you really think you are that close with me meh?
because you got depression and hyper sensitive. I need to choose my words wisely with you else you might ended up crying like nobody’s business.
Rudi is very sweet friend. And I am glad you know him and happy. I hope he can help you in all your problems area. It’s you who has “offended” us. Especially so after this post.
Errr… I'm not a fervent temple goer like you going to church. Just because I tell you that i go temple to pray and you think my religion is that?! You can jump into conclusion like that?! Oh well, now i know you can.
I'm a free thinker. I go to temple as and when I like or to cleanse my crystals. BUT now i hardly go temple, i have find ways to cleanse them at home. BUT I DO go to church when I feel like having some calmness.
first of all, I never judge you or critise you. The fact that I'm angry that you never go church because I saw the improvement of you when you start going to church~ more calm and more serene. Then suddenly you keep missing church and you might not have notice, sometimes you are very confused and lost. At least I hope going back to church can bring you back the calmness you have. Yes, I did tell Gary about this and I probably never tell him the reason behind. That's confirmed not a judgement call against you~
Of course I've made mistakes. My mistake is to even think you can be a friend.
Like I said, I'm a free thinker. If I have, MAYBE~
Nah~ Talking behind your back because you are so depressed and so sensitive. Just scared you break down and god knows what you will do if we tell it to your face. I'm sure John Ho know that i'm talking behind his back lor. hahaha. I talk behind ppl's back because they are so "fragile" or they proclaim to be, thus i need to be sensitive mah. Now i know it doesn't pay!
If you think I am creating unhappiness between friends, aren't you glad that now you are not my friend?

Wow! Last but not least, I do hope things between you and Rudi last. By the way, your bashing of Kent is not cool. I dun want to bring to your recollection of what you have said or done for Kent and John in the past.. Because it's meant to be between us. Even we are no longer friends, secrets and past remain as past. Unlike someone, who calculate practically everything. SPILLING everything when things dun turn out well or she assume that people betray or dun trust her. Some of the events above, she mention she dun mind etc~ Of course she mind lah, else she wont have remember so well! wahahahah! Anyway, you can go ahead and say all kinds of things you want about me in your entry. Because everyone will believe your facade. So be it. You have more friends and need to keep up the image. it's okay~ i understand! :)

I AM THE PERSON WHO CREATE UNHAPPNIESS BETWEEN FRIENDS. tsk tsk~

Also hor, since you so calculative with me, those times you make me calculate for you, how to settle leh?

I dun wan your suay-ness to rub off on me leh~ Since you are no longer my friend, i dun wan to suffer on your behalf lor. HAHAHAHAHA!

Hmmm~~~ I wonder~~~~ you taking it out at me hor~~ is it because :-

1) I am not your insurance client;

2) You do not owe me any money?

That's why you can take it out at me like nobody~ and thank you for deleting me from your facebook. I was about to do the same thing and thank you for making things so much easier for me.

Actually I also dunno if she will get to read this entry~ because she's not in my friends list ANYMORE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

OH! and there will be a thrashing session soon. I just hope hor~ she don't purposely choose that dates that I need to work lor. Then ended up saying I dare not attend the thrashing. Seriously, after some time thinking about it hor. Thrashing for what purpose? I don't even want her as a friend anymore.

She can say anything about me lah~ from what she mention in her entry hor, i already know what kind of person she is liao. You can trust her~ You can tell her anything~ And she's willing to do anything for you. BUT when you so-called betray or dun trust her. whatever secrets you used to share with her will probably be out in the open. Scary huh?

All comments will be screened. I'm not like someone~
I'm petty, I'm selfish. If i see comments that i dun like, i will not publish! :P
This is my blog!

Last but not least, I dun think i betray her in any sense. My mistake is to actually think of her possible recurrence of depressrion and sadness and go back to drinking and crying. There are things i should have said regardless how she'll be reacting to it. Trust her? Well, I would love to in the past. I tried in the past. But there are just times, you do not want to pour your heart out to that someone. And with this incident, I can understand why I find it hard to trust you.

I super tired now.

Anyway, IF anyone after reading this entry, think I'm being too much or whatever, feel free to exclude me as a friend.

GET THE FUCK OFF MY LJ!

MY LJ ONLY MEANT FOR BITCHING AND "TALKING BEHIND OTHER'S BACK"!

Anyway, the above episode is simply CHILDISH LAH! but since someone is asking for answer! THERE! TADA!
THRASHING OR NO THRASHING SESSION will be a lose lose situation for me. But if there's one, i will turn up if it fit my schedule.
But AFTER THE POSSIBLE THRASHING, god knows what she will say, right? Anyway, come what may~~~~~
nights~~~

Disappointments....

2008-08-04T07:10:35Z

Lately, too many people are making me much too disappointed~
I do what I deem is right~ no one is in the position to tell me what’s right or wrong.
I trusted you too much and landed myself in this stage.
I’ve learnt.
My heart has turned icy cold~
I trust them too much...
I expect little but they think its too much?
Either way, I’ve learnt, and i have learnt well..

pissed

2008-07-30T07:26:58Z

I don’t know what to call this post.

Sometimes out of the blue, I will get hunches or feelings or instincts (you name it) over certain issues / friends. I’ve yet to learn to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes, I just worried for my friends that I will either sms / msn or FB them to tell them about my feelings or what I’ve derived based on what I know about them.

Seriously, I know I ain’t supposed to do that~ I’ve been warned many times. Whenever I do cards readings for friends, I will want something in return~ Be it food or drinks~ Anything. As long as my effort is not FOC, I don’t care. Call me cheapo or whatever, I don’t care. I more concern of myself than the food or drinks, mind you.

To fortune teller, you have no qualms in giving red packet to have a glimpse of your fate/path~ Have you ever wondered WHY do you need to give red packet? No doubt it’s a service rendered. But WHY?

I never understood why in the past. I feel if you can help someone by looking into their future~ why collect money from them? Especially if they are not so rich or they are in certain kinda trouble or problem. Why can’t they just help? How come their life not that great to begin with? What makes them think they can change or make it better for other people and not for self?

All these questions have been haunting me in the past. Not until when I picked up the interest of tarot readings etc to know the whys~

Whenever we “address” someone’s problem, we are tapping into your sub conscious. And it’s very tiring~ and if that person do not appreciate what I have done~

1) my energy wasted

2) I will be harbouring negativity of YOUR problem with me

3) Seriously, no one know how karma really works. What if something that YOU supposed to go through, kinda reflected back onto me?

Seriously, I don’t care about the (1)~ because I feel as a friend I’ve done my part, take it or leave it, not my problem.

As for the (2)~ in the past, it really does affect me a great deal~ lately, I slowly learn to detach from these feelings. Well, it has it’s down side as well. I become more and more inclined to TONS OF ALONE TIME! Not that I’m complaining, I kinda enjoy it.

I prefer to slowly detach from all the negativity and secrets that so many of you all confided in me. I also need to make sure that I do not let these affect me. Most important of all, whatever has been told to me, will go to the grave with me.

LASTLY! *drum rolls*

I am very affected by (3).

WHY SHOULD I BE THE ONE WHO KENA FROM BAD THINGS THAT YOU SUPPOSED TO GO THROUGH WOR?

If you are a good friend who appreciate and super close friend of mine, I still don’t mind. But it’s just some random thoughts I pick up as and when my thoughts just come to me. True, I made a stupid mistake to tell you. And I get punished? Where got such logic?

Seriously, I doubt anyone bother if bad things happen to me lor~ *humph*

Sometimes, when I make a mistake of saying then I stopped. Ya lah~ my fault~ I shouldn’t say half and don’t say another half.
THAT IS BECAUSE I HAVE MY BLOODY REASONS MAH! TMD!

And if you are skeptical of what I say, take a hike.

I don’t even care why I should explain to you how and why I feel or why I’m telling you.

Can or not? Need reason meh?

If I can, I also want to shut off my thoughts and feelings of those negativity lah!

Some people will just keep asking me how? What do you mean? Tell me more.

All these questions I will ONLY answer when I’m in the mood or when I feel it's okay to help you even if it means bad things happen to me. Or when I feel it’s ok to say. Sometimes after I told someone something, suddenly my instinct will stop me and I will get a bit of flash thingy~ then I will stop going into details.

I will brush you off saying I am not free ones. You need to buy me a meal~ and some people actually think I am conning for free meals. You can go to hell!

I just glad I never tell you everything, you just deserve what you need to go through lah! TMD!

I don’t need people to get me free meals! You think it’s very easy on my side when I have the so called free meals from you? I need to do a lot of preparation on my side too! I need to see my cards ready for readings or not~ I need to see if I’m UP for it or not~ etc~ etc~

Lately, I getting better and better in stopping myself to reveal too much when I’m on msn~ in fact, I’ve stopped going on msn nowadays~ I’ve learned this mistake the hard way and I won’t repeat it for anyone’s sake~ because nobody will care or bother whatever happen to me. I need to take care of myself first.

If you believe me and my cards, then you will willingly buy me meals, if you are not, I can pay my own meals. And of course if you are my friend and just want to buy me a nice meal, I also won’t reject. Aiya, you know what I mean lah~

People who treat me nice, I will never forget. That’s all I can say~

I may not be able to return your kindness now, but I will find ways and I believe there will come a time I can repay you~

As for those who keep asking me about your path/fate/fortune and keep wasting my energy asking all kinds of stupid questions, insist me in going into lengthy explaination etc~ which I did~ briefly~

The best part is when you end the conversation by saying :-
"actually I don’t care lah, I don’t bother, I don’t believe. So no need to buy you hor?"
=_='''

Can you just do me a super nice favor?

JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!

Thank you~ ;)

I also wanna add. I DO NOT REMEMBER WHAT I'VE SAID TO YOU IN THE PAST~ so please do me another favor~ do not come to me and say things like "last time you say this and that hor~ remember?"

Sorry~ i don't remember~ unless you are a especially close friend of mine, i might remember~ i don't have a choice~ sometimes closer friend's details tend to stay in my brain longer than the rest of you~

Please remember the detach bit~ i do not remember each and every readings i've gone through with you~ I've done so many readings for so many people leh! for god's sake!

Also, you seriously need to be grateful for me not able to remember~ You surely do not want me to remember every single details that i've told you~ Imagine if last time you told me something secret and I remember every details to it. surely one day if anything happen, you sure blame me~ I do not want that and I DETEST that~
Remember! Spilling your secrets won't make me any much better than those people i've hated! And I believe in secrets are meant to be kept secret~ stay secret~

*deep sigh*
I think I'm PMS-ing~ i rarely get so agitated with my friends leh~ *sigh*
i'm agitated over other things~ but rarely with my friends~ unless they betrayed me~ unless they spill my secrets~
When I get this agitated~ it also means~ the friendship is coming to an end~

I childish? nah~ i just don't want to keep negative people around me.

Friends are supposed to make one feel good~ feel comfortable~
NOT to be made use of~

Another month flew by~~~

2008-07-30T07:14:17Z

Another month coming to an END!!!!! Time flies~~~~~

Last Friday, met up with Cheryl, Daniel, Kent, Gary, Melvin, Clement, Vincent, Irene, Rudy and John!!! Finally a meet up with NO ulterior motive like celebrating somebody’s birthday!!!!

That Indonesian Restaurant @ Clarke Quay “might” really become our gathering point! :P I love the food and it’s cheap!!!!

Did not manage to get to talk to Clement and Vincent as they were seated at the other extreme end from me! L

I love the food there and it’s a “mistake” for Kent to sit opposite of me~ Because we both love the same thing~~~ so~~~ you can imagine lah! *sigh*

After the dinner, Gary left home to attend to his dog~ *poor doggie, but I’m sure the dog will recover in no time, because it has tons of TLC from the owner aka Gary*

Irene left with Clement, Vincent, Rudy and John.

The rest of us (Kent, Melvin, Cheryl & Daniel) went for a stroll along the river when we heard the firework start! Yes, you read it right, we HEARD not SAW! We try to catch a glimpse of the fireworks but only manage to see it during the last three min before it ends! Lovely!!!!!

After which we proceed to Starbuck @ the Central~ We chatted and talked crap~ before we know it~ it’s MIDNIGHT!!! Cheryl and Daniel have been very nice to send tired me home! Love them! Though Melvin also volunteered lah~ but I worry he lost his way and then he might start to MIA from future gatherings!!!! Melvin, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, see? I’m so nice towards you~ :P

Seriously, I’ve forgotten how much I love such bonding with my friends. God knows what happen and how I’ve stopped making contacts with them ~ Probably I’ve had my own problems and issues to deal with and I always thought I can handle them alone. And I do not know how to reach out for friends~ to lean on them~ Well, handling the emotions and issues alone has been tiring and draining especially when there’s no one to watch out for me~ no one to tell me that I'm doing way beyond damage by torturing myself. Not that I want a baby sitter lah~ just someone to watch out for me and remind me that I need to stay strong to be who I am~ I do need attention but sometimes pride gets in the way for me to ask for it. *sigh*

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I don’t have to worry about whether my friends will understand what I’m going through or not. Maybe I don’t even have to tell them what I’m suffering from. If they are my friends, they will be there. (here comes the expectation bits) No questions asked. Sometimes, I’m just too proud to address the problem of mine. But there are some fortunate (“unfortunate” ones ???) who have seen me broken down or have me come running to them and broke down.

To those who have seen the vulnerable side of me and still stick by me, thank you~ Thank you for allowing myself to be “normal”~ Thank you for not forsaking me~

In the past, I’m living in a phase of “痛到最痛, 就不再痛” for a pretty long period of time~ I think coming to a year soon for the most recent incident and coming to 3-4 years from the many past incidents~

Now, I wanna get out of it~ I wanna find a new phase to rely on~

Currently, I’m writing an appreciation entry~ an entry full of appreciation and love~ from me to some of you who have touched me so much~ An entry to show my appreciation and that every little things you have done for me will not go un-noticed! But it’s taking a bit of time. Because the list is long! Wahahahaha~

May not be the next entry you will see but I promise that it will definitely before end of this year! :P

Nasty ME!

2008-07-30T07:12:54Z

Lately I’ve becoming more and more temperamental~

Don’t know why~ *sigh*

I would like to think that it’s just me~

But sometimes I just feel it’s the friends around me. *blame shifting*

Hahahahaha~

But then again, seriously I think it’s just me~

It will never be friends who can cause me to be so depressed.

I CHOOSE to be so depressed~ never my friends to cause such depression on me~

I used to say I can’t stand this friend for causing me such sadness or depression.

But now when I look back, it’s actually not my friend’s fault.

I could have just tell him/her that his/her words are hurting me more than he/she has imagined. Surely upon hearing so, they will be more careful of my feelings, right?

I could have just cut him/her off if he/she has been belittling me to such an extent that I’m worthless or stupid, I seriously don’t think any communication will help in this.

I believe friends will just focus on your strength and not your weakness.

STOP! I know what you all are going to say next.

TRUE friends will talk about your weaknesses and point it out for you to change for the better!

Errr~~ seriously, what makes you think change will be for the better for me?

Are you an oracle? Are you a seer? Have you seen in the future that if I change, I will be a better person? If so, you win.

I never conceal the fact that I’m a bad tempered person from start. So if you think you can change me just being my friend~ you are wrong.

My tolerance level for friends is high~ very very high~ even higher than 101~

But do not take my tolerance level for granted.

Sometimes I just keep quiet or don’t say anything or show a black face, because

1) I may be having a super bad day @ work.

2) Perhaps you annoyed me with something you said which is not true but I don’t want to point it out because I don’t want to hurt your fragile heart. Because people who ever quarrel with me, know what kind of stuff can come out from my mouth. If that happen, I have no qualms in ending the friendship with you. Just like a snap of fingers.

If it’s the first, I will definitely tell you stories of how boring or annoying my work can be~

If it’s the second, just don’t ask~ My temper/anger comes and goes like a gust of wind~ After awhile, I will reason myself out~

Don’t even try to tell me that it’s for my own good or whatever. In any case, I prefer you to take care of yourself before coming to muddle with mine.

Ya lah~ I know lah~ same old topic~ same old long story~ so what?!
I’m a complicated person. I don’t know about myself~ if you really want to help me or save me~ please learn to read my body language~

There are times I’m okay to hear ANY critisim about me~ and I will do my own reflection~ BUT NOT ALL THE TIME!

YOU DO NOT SEE ME TELLING YOU OF YOUR SHORTCOMINGS ALL THE TIME?!

You need to know the timing, your tone of voice and the reason why it’s brought up~

Excuse me, don’t make yourself better by saying you don’t have any shortcomings for me to say, that's why i've been keeping quiet. If I do a list, Oh. My. God~ Let’s not get there, okay?

As you all know me by now, how petty and unreasonable I can be~

Just hold onto your negative points about me, till I come running to you~

Come on! Get real~

Do you like it when everytime we meet up and I keep telling you or reminding you of your shortcomings? And telling you that you better change in order to be a better person.

Excuse me, I know how to be a better person without anyone telling me HOW.

It’s just a matter to be a better person in front of who?

Well~ if you think I am not a better person before you, take the hint, I simply don’t regard you to be worth the effort to be a better person lah! So simple! Sheesh!

I have many things to blab! Tomorrow I want to talk about another annoying topic~

When I offer my “service” of telling/warning you of certain things, if you don’t get it, just don’t keep asking me! Well, that’s for tomorrow! Some people just get on my nerves! HEY! Don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying I dislike it~ I ENJOY IT!

I will tell you more tomorrow on how annoying it can get!

Life

2008-07-27T12:42:27Z

I have had a good time catching up with some old friends in the month of July.

I've always most comfortable when I'm with a group whom I know will never judge me.

How do I know if they judge me or not, let's just say I just know~

As many of you know that my interest is in Astrology, Numerology and Tarot Card Readings, I've made many friends through this special interest of mine~

Some have even become very close with me whom I call close friends.

There's someone ask me~ Can I change my path? Can I change what's planned for me?

Hmmm~

Seriously, I don't know. Somehow I just feel you can't change the destination planned for you. But you can choose to enjoy the scenery along the way before you reached whatever good or bad destination planned for you.

Change? Possible?

We can choose. We can change.

If you don't like a certain pattern of your lifestyle, change your lifestyle.

If you don't like what you going to hear from me about your future, then don't ask me.

I'm not trying to be rude here. Rather, I do not want someone to keep bearing what I've said all the entire life.

One may say they don't care. They don't bother. BUT the minute you ask me WHY, HOW etc, you bother.

“erjie” I'm not saying you hor~ I mean in general. I don't mind you asking me. In fact, I don't mind people asking me at all. Not many people have understanding of these. And not many people will want to know what other people's life. They are usually more concern of their own. Hell, I'm also more interested in my own lor. Just that I can't see my own readings. *SIGH* But in this area it's really a lot a lot more complicated that one knows. I can't be pouring out whatever I know just like that.

Hang around more with me, be close. Sometimes, I just might pick up a thing or two and tell you. Sometimes, memory and hunches just come to me. I can't explain.

Sometimes, I do not know how to tell you what I see~ if any one of you do not like what you going to hear from me, then don't ask me. I say what I see. I say what I know.

I've mentioned this particular example to two close friends of mine.

For example

(money / traffic jam is not an issue in this scenario.)

One peak hour evening, you need to travel from Raffles Place to Bishan. You have three choices :-

1) Taxi

2) MRT

3) Bus

Which will you choose?

Beginning of life = Raffles Place. Destination/goal = Bishan.

If you choose

1) Taxi – Only you and the cab driver in the car. Whole journey, pretty lonely~ no?

2) MRT – PACKED! There's no view, there's no scenery (all underground). The cabin will be like a packed sardine. Your main focus will be in maintaining your stability. Looking out that you will not miss the station.

3) Bus – There is still a very good chance that you might get a seat. Also, there's scenery, people watching~ everything. Just that time factor might be longer as it might be using a different route. Ultimately, you will still reach your destination~ right?

Hmmm~ just another of my blabbering session!! HAHAHA!

Anyway, recently I'm IN LOVE with this song!!!!

Just wanna share with you all~

石欣卉 - 我知道我变漂亮了

《一切完美》 主题曲

过去的批评嘲讽 Let it go Let it go
过去的轻蔑冷落 Let it go Let it go
有些人口不饶人却忘了瞧瞧自己
又有什么资格

时刻都善良待人 Let’s move on Let’s move on
时刻都做好本分 Let’s move on Let’s move on
有些人心思浅薄绝不是宽容
自暴自弃的理由

也许确实也受过言语打击
也许因此而失去了自信心
但千万别将勇气深锁在阴影里
我们又不会妨碍这世界（的）美丽

我知道我变漂亮了
我知道我被注意了
曾难过失落
微笑一下就过
外在的美貌容易戳破
内在的美好细水长流

我知道我变漂亮了
我知道我也豁达了
不自卑不埋怨
就算还差一点点
用内涵弥补一切缺陷
内在的美迷住每个人的眼

About Friendship...

2008-06-19T03:02:30Z

Honestly speaking~ I’m not in a good position to talk about friendship~

What is friendship?

I used to thought I know~ but not anymore.

Everyone has their own set of standard of their own friends. *unspoken set of rules / expectation of these friends*

I have my own set of expectation on my friends too~

Recent incidents has beginning to make me think of these expectations.

For those who know me well enough, well, if you are reading these, I’m assuming you do know me well enough to a certain extend.

What kind of person I am, what kind of friend I am and I can be, and under any circumstances what I will do and what I will say~ it’s very obvious to many~

Even my always last min pull off of an outing or gathering, it’s no news to all my friends.

The one who kena from me most is my dearest Cheryl. *muacks sweetie, for always so accommodating and understanding*

There are times I just wanna seek solitude and I will just auto shut off. I need those time to myself. Alone. I may grumble about how lonely etc I am. But there are times I need those moments. When I suddenly feel that need for that moment, I will just cut off. No pre warnings. No cue. And I wont explain why I need those moments. I just feel like it. Can?

Selfish? Yes, I know. Which human being is not selfish? If you tell me you are not, you are lying. To me, there are many levels of selfishness, but if you just generalize me as being selfish, be my guest.

I know some are being concern for me. You care, I get it. You care, I know.

But sometimes, I just need to go into some level of thoughts or places ALONE~ I dun need someone 24/7 knowing what I do, who I meet and why I do certain things. Sometimes being a friend, I dun mind and like this kinda concern. And I will say what I’m doing, who I’m meeting and why I’m doing certain things.

But sometimes, I just dun feel like saying anything or explain anything. When you notice the change of my tone in my voice or sms or msn msg, just be sensitive and get the hint. You have no idea how much I appreciate your sensitivity in these.

For those who know me deep / long and well enough, you know I have many things to handle~ to tackle~ to think about~

Don’t assume you know me so much~ don’t’ even assume that you THINK you know me well. In many cases, you THINK you know, you don’t~

I may regard you as my close friends. ONE DAY I never tell you about my past, about my deepest thoughts and fear, ONE DAY you dunno anything about me.

Behind every face, you do not know what the heart is nursing itself from, protecting itself from.

BOY~ this is so going to be such a long entry, is it?

YES IT IS~ because I feel I’m like “obligated” to say everything once and for all since now I am so superbly PISSED and ANGRY and UPSET and disappointed.

Also, I find myself not good in handling jokes.

If I do jokes, it’s all because you started it, and I dun want you to feel that I don’t get you or I’m just being serious. Ok~ fine~ I play along~

But when I dun feel like it, I will start to keep quiet.

If you need me to listen to you or keep a secret, not a problem at all. My mouth is sealed. Your secret’s safe with me. Whether I’m trustworthy or not, it’s for me to know and for you to trust and find out. If you need my help, just ask. If within my means, I will help. If cant, I will tell you so. I’m happy to receive invitations to any gatherings. Sometimes, I just feel I’m not comfortable with crowds, not because I dun like you or anything, sometimes I just don’t feel comfortable. NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND OR WHATEVER. I just don’t feel like going. You don’t have to tell people how I always don’t want to attend and I whatever. I don’t see any need to explain why I do not want to attend. I don’t know why and how to explain. I may seem outgoing to most. But seriously, I prefer small group and group of friends who know me for who I am and accepting me for what I am.

I’ve accepted that I do not have many CLOSE friends in my life. For those whom I ever say you are my close friends. I’m not joking. You are. But whether you are the close friends who know everything about me or close friends whom I’m still working on whether I can trust you. Those I never mention, well~ I don’t need to go there, right?

Else I’m so going to offend so many people lor. *sigh*

I always thought I have no expectation in my friends.

After writing all these, I realized

- I have expectations in my friends..

- I want my space alone sometimes without friends.

- I have my pride, a lot. (you have no idea how proud I am)

- I am inferior.

- I do not take jokes well.

- When I’m moody / grouchy / cranky, I hate explaining whos, whys and where.

I can hear people asking HOW THE HELL WE KNOW YOU ARE IN THAT MOOD WOR~ well well well~~~ from my tone of voice lah!

Last but not least, I’ve concluded I’m not a good friend.

Amen to those who know me and regard me as a friend. I thank you. I will try to be a better friend.

For those who want that much from me, I’m sorry. I cant.

不要問別人為你做過些甚麼，問自己為別人做過些甚麼~

Tell me 36 things about yourself.

2008-05-08T05:12:09Z

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A. Nope~

2) What was your dream growing up?
A. To be a psychic~ *I am serious*

3) What talent do you wish you had?
A. To be able to put feelings into words~ *i sux in that~~ Envy monster~

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A. Anything except beer~

5) Favorite vegetable?
A. None in particular leh~ I love all vegetables~ I just hate spring onion~

6) What was the last book you read?
A. Unforgivable by Tina Wainscott

7) What zodiac sign are you?
A. Dragon

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A. Nope

9) Worst Habit?
A. Always like to emo~ *counted?

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A. Definitely.

11) What is your favorite sport?
A. Sleep. If not counted, then bowling~

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A. Negative

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A. Chat~

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A. Only those close to my heart will know~

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A. I will go MIA when I get too close with someone~ Just not feel comfortable in close relationship~
Not that I dun appreciate friends. I do~ but often, I will wander off and cut connection from friends~
But i will come back~ not because got agenda or whatever~ just me~ dunno how to explain~ sometimes, I just want lots of space and alone time~

Sorry friends, if you have a feeling that i neglected you~ that's not true~
i love receiving sms and calls from you all~ knowing someone remember me, warms my heart~ I just dunno how to "return" back the same affection~ I will show my appreciation of your friendship, my own weird way and weird kinda timing~
for friends whom I wanna cut off~ I wont even contact back and I will put it across very clearly that the friendship is over~~~

16) Do you have any pets?
A. Nope (But i have a lot of virtual pets in facebook!)

17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A. Provided you know where I stay lor~ I doubt anyone know where i stay~

18) What was your first impression of me?
A. Gary - Friendly and sincere~

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A. Scary~

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A. Make me slimmer~ *sigh*

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A. Would be good to be someone's conscience~

22) What color eyes do you have?
A. Brown~

23) Ever been arrested?
A. Not at all~

24) Bottle or can soda?
A. I do not like carbonated drinks~

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A. Travel~

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A. Anywhere quiet and with some close friends.

28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A. Yes. As well as fairies, angels~

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A. Just do nothing~

30) Do you swear a lot?
A. When people irritates me~ *Note that I use "people", I dun use "friends"~

31) Biggest pet peeve?
A. Arrogant people~ Who belittles people thinking they are the greatest in the world

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A. FATTY

33) Do you believe in/appreciate romance?
A. OF COURSE!

35) Do you believe in God?
A. Yes~

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A. I just did~ =D

Weekend plus some blabbering~

2008-05-08T04:37:14Z

I went Night Safari with my mum and cousin’s kids last Saturday~

Tickets were complimentary from Gary! (MUACKS! Thank you!)

Boy! That place has changed SO MUCH!!!! I’ve had fun!!! But I did not get to see much of my favourite! L OWLS!!!! L

I wanted to go home around 9plus~ but the kids wanted to watch the animal show! So we went to queue. 9.30pm’s slot FULL! Can you believe that?! So we queued from 9.10pm for the 10.30pm’s slot. We are FIRST in the queue! * kiasu *

With no dinner ( I went to meet my mum and the kids direct from work) plus long queue (no seats), I am super grouchy to the max!

And guess what? An APNN family of four appeared in front of me! Keep chatting with the security~ and conveniently just “park” themselves in front of me! I told the APNN teenage gal that she need to go back to her queue. She glared at me and told her father. Her father glared back at me and continued chatting with the security. He asked if his sick wife and son can excuse from the queue and seat at the side. And that they are the FIRST in queue.

When I tried to talk “sense” to that bloody APNN, he just ignored me~ and start to talk to his family in his APNN language. My temper just kept raising.

My mum kept trying to control my temper. So it’s ok~ nevermind~ they are like that ones~ SO?! They are like that so let them be meh?! THE FINAL STRAW WAS WHEN THE TEENAGER DAUGHER TRIED TO SHOVE ME FURTHER INTO THE BACK OF THE QUEUE! THAT’S IT! I stormed out of the queue and start to look for THAT security who “ALLOWED” them to stand RIGHT IN FRONT!

When I managed to find that security, I saw two men were also yelling @ him~ I approached him still! I cannot take the APNN anymore. Then I heard that two men were also complaining about that APNN family!!! Apparently APNN family was behind them!!!! I immediately joined in! HAHAHAHAHA!

When I went back to my start of queue, the security followed. And more people from the front of the crowd start to yell at him for allowing that family to stand in front! To appease the crowd, the security actually refrain that family from going in first.

When we were inside and waiting for the show to start, I scanned the area for that APNN family~ They were at the fourth row from the front~ and guess what? The “sick” wife was posing different pose in front of the camera and laughing and smiling. And the “sick” son was running all over. I just hate APNN in general! Ptui!

OH! While they jumped queue in front of us and sitting at the side “enjoying”, I actually took a snapshot of them! Initially I wanna be discreet and just use no flash! Then I hack it! Flash them so that they know I AM TAKING THEIR PICTURES!!!

Give me some time to pull out the picture! My card reader DIED on me! L

HMMMM~~, regarding the “friendship” post I’ve posted earlier. I’m very glad that so many of you understand what I’m going thru and giving me the said space. Thank you~ Some friends I’ve talked to also told me if a friend keep saying things like stupid, no brain etc crap to you~ even if joking, is showing no respect to you. I’ve made a mistake to flare up at her. That I’m sorry~ I should have slowly distance away from her and cut her off eventually. Ya~ I should have done that. I need to work on controlling my temper~

Errr~~ ya lah! The above entry does not show much of me controlling my temper. But that’s towards APNN! Surely there’s exceptional! They are not even friend lor! J

My temper used to be worst. I lost few friends in the past. When I think back after some time and if I treasure that person and that friendship, I will eventually find back that person. However, I don’t apologise. Whether it’s my mistake or not, I just won’t apologise. Well, pride is one issue. Also it’s over, why rake up the past and start all over again?

If it’s my mistake, I will make it up in time. But if someone insisted I apologise before being friend back with me. Then I guess this friendship is not meant to be. I can almost put up with anything from friends. But I only want my friends to handle one thing from me. My pride. Of course you can tell me off when you think something I’ve done it’s not right. But you only need to say ONCE. Don’t do it so often that I beginning to think “what the hell you still wanna be friend with me for, if in your eyes I’m like what you say I am?” Whatever you have done to care about my pride and sensitivity, you have a friend for life in me. Well, I’m not that great a friend. But I will try to be and you will always be priority in my life. Yes, I’m selfish to ask you to accept me as who I am, I should be a friend that you all want me to be, right? WRONG. HAHA! I’m just being very honest here. Rather than being someone I’m not. I tell you up front what sort of friend / person I am. Take it or leave it. Your choice.

Lastly, I thank those friends whom I’ve walked away from (you know who you are) and accepted me back with no question asked.

Thank you~

New beginning~

2008-04-21T04:21:31Z

Used to have a blog which i rarely update~ and many friends do not even remember it's existence!

The reason I stopped blogging it's because I feel I always update with unhappy events and feelings~
Then it just depressed me further~ Best to not blog it out~ Out of sight, out of mind~

However, now my thinking has changed.

Thanks to you, little monster~
A very great and fantastic friend of mine~

Well, he wasn't the first one who told me this~ But he is the one who make me see the light~

I used to tell people to look for little happiness in life and not to be so grouchy towards life~
But I failed to do it. I fail to notice those little happiness in life~

Have been in the pit-black bottom for quite awhile~
Blinded by my own hatred and wound to see the hope and beauty around me~

While I was torturing self in the dark for the past, I do know there are friends around who care and worry for me~
I shut them off~ By selfish ways thinking I do not deserve them~

- I stop attending any events / gatherings.
- I turn cold towards friends who show too much concern.

Well, these will all be in the past~
I'm slowly coming out now~

Hope I am not too late~